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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Romney Tells Heartbreaking Lie About Single Mother Of 4 He Never Met

HEMPSTEAD, NY—In response to a question on unemployment asked during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney shared a touching and poignant lie about meeting a struggling single mother of four on the campaign trail. “Just the other day I was in Richmond, VA, and a young woman named Sarah walked up to me and told me she had just lost her job and was finding it harder and harder to put food on the table for her kids,” Romney said of the woman he has never actually met because she does not exist. “She said to me, ‘Mitt, I just can’t survive another four years of high taxes and out-of-control government spending under President Obama.’ Well, Sarah, if you’re watching tonight, I want you to know that under my watch, we will reduce the tax burden on Americans, bring back jobs, and make sure everyone has a chance to be successful.” Sources confirmed the debate audience was also moved by another completely fabricated story in which Romney spoke of an elderly woman in Ohio who isn’t real and who tearfully explained that she just wants to make her own choices about health care.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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