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Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Romney Tells Heartbreaking Lie About Single Mother Of 4 He Never Met

HEMPSTEAD, NY—In response to a question on unemployment asked during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney shared a touching and poignant lie about meeting a struggling single mother of four on the campaign trail. “Just the other day I was in Richmond, VA, and a young woman named Sarah walked up to me and told me she had just lost her job and was finding it harder and harder to put food on the table for her kids,” Romney said of the woman he has never actually met because she does not exist. “She said to me, ‘Mitt, I just can’t survive another four years of high taxes and out-of-control government spending under President Obama.’ Well, Sarah, if you’re watching tonight, I want you to know that under my watch, we will reduce the tax burden on Americans, bring back jobs, and make sure everyone has a chance to be successful.” Sources confirmed the debate audience was also moved by another completely fabricated story in which Romney spoke of an elderly woman in Ohio who isn’t real and who tearfully explained that she just wants to make her own choices about health care.

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