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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Romney Tells Heartbreaking Lie About Single Mother Of 4 He Never Met

HEMPSTEAD, NY—In response to a question on unemployment asked during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney shared a touching and poignant lie about meeting a struggling single mother of four on the campaign trail. “Just the other day I was in Richmond, VA, and a young woman named Sarah walked up to me and told me she had just lost her job and was finding it harder and harder to put food on the table for her kids,” Romney said of the woman he has never actually met because she does not exist. “She said to me, ‘Mitt, I just can’t survive another four years of high taxes and out-of-control government spending under President Obama.’ Well, Sarah, if you’re watching tonight, I want you to know that under my watch, we will reduce the tax burden on Americans, bring back jobs, and make sure everyone has a chance to be successful.” Sources confirmed the debate audience was also moved by another completely fabricated story in which Romney spoke of an elderly woman in Ohio who isn’t real and who tearfully explained that she just wants to make her own choices about health care.

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Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

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