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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Romney: 'This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City'

LEXINGTON, VA—Speaking at a rally on Monday, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney told supporters his dramatic resurgence in the polls following last week’s debate had once again proved that he deserves his well-known moniker, Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City. “Since as far back as I can remember, folks have been calling me Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City, and just like in Detroit, Massachusetts, and Salt Lake, Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City has pulled through,” said Romney, adding that “the ol’ T.M.F.C.C. has struck again.” “There were many who doubted me, but everyone on the Nitty-Gritty Mitty Committee knew that Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City would one day be sitting pretty.” The candidate added that rebounds such as this one also explain why his close friends like to call him the Salt Lake Sultan of Surge.

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