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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Romney Throws Quinceañera For Ann In Last-Minute Attempt To Get Hispanic Vote

SANFORD, FL—With election day looming, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney tried one last time Monday to cut into Barack Obama’s large lead among Latino voters by putting on an elaborate quinceañera celebration for his wife, Ann. “Today, Ann became a woman,” said Romney, who mentioned that he helped Ann choose the gorgeous, jeweled white-and-yellow dress she wore as she danced a traditional waltz for an audience assembled in the basement of the Spanish Church of God. “From the cutting of the cake, to the 15-candle ceremony, to the changing of the shoes that symbolized her changing from girlhood to womanhood, this was Ann’s very own special day. We are all so proud of her.” Sources also confirmed the customary gift-giving reception following the quinceañera garnered several hundred thousand dollars in donations for the Romney campaign.

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