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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Romney To Town Hall Audience: 'I Own Horses And Care For Them, And You Are All Like Horses'

HEMPSTEAD, NY—In an apparent attempt to demonstrate empathy for everyday working Americans, GOP candidate Mitt Romney likened the audience at the town hall debate Tuesday to the many horses he owns and cares for, saying that, in a way, the majority of the American people are like helpless stable animals. “The horses I own, especially the ones who specialize in dressage, need constant attention because they are unable to care for themselves, much like all of you,” said Romney, adding that to the extent that horses aren’t the smartest animals out there, average Americans “aren’t that bright either.” “See, if I didn’t buy my horses and train them, they would be roaming around a some field somewhere, lacking any sort of direction. They wouldn’t know there is a better, more fulfilling life for them out there in which I am their owner and master. So what I’m saying is, let me buy you, and everything will be better.” To further the analogy, Romney said that when Americans get sick or break a leg, they should be shot.

 

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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