Romney Volunteers Going Door-To-Door To Let Obama Supporters Know President's Dead

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CHICAGO—Citing her shapeless physique, protruding skeleton, and jaundiced complexion, gym members exercising at a local Equinox Fitness Club on Friday confirmed that the anorexic woman working out on the first floor is looking good. “Oh, man, ...
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Romney Volunteers Going Door-To-Door To Let Obama Supporters Know President's Dead

COLUMBUS, OH—In a last-ditch effort to win a few more votes in the key swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney campaign volunteers made door-to-door visits to homes of registered Democrats on Monday to personally let them know that the president had died. “This is very difficult to say, but yeah, Barack Obama actually died early this morning, so he’s not running for president anymore,” Romney supporter Marcia Higgins reportedly told a family of four, calling the president’s sudden death “extremely tragic,” but adding that it’s important for voters to keep the fact that he died in mind when they go to the polls tomorrow. “You didn’t hear? Oh, yeah, it was totally sudden. Heart attack or something. Crazy. But anyway, I just wanted to let you know that Barack Obama, the man you were planning on voting for, has passed away, and Mitt Romney is still alive, so…” When asked how Obama could be dead when he was currently on television giving a stump speech in Wisconsin, Higgins said the footage “must be from yesterday or something, because the president is definitely dead now.”

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