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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Romney Volunteers Going Door-To-Door To Let Obama Supporters Know President's Dead

COLUMBUS, OH—In a last-ditch effort to win a few more votes in the key swing state of Ohio, Mitt Romney campaign volunteers made door-to-door visits to homes of registered Democrats on Monday to personally let them know that the president had died. “This is very difficult to say, but yeah, Barack Obama actually died early this morning, so he’s not running for president anymore,” Romney supporter Marcia Higgins reportedly told a family of four, calling the president’s sudden death “extremely tragic,” but adding that it’s important for voters to keep the fact that he died in mind when they go to the polls tomorrow. “You didn’t hear? Oh, yeah, it was totally sudden. Heart attack or something. Crazy. But anyway, I just wanted to let you know that Barack Obama, the man you were planning on voting for, has passed away, and Mitt Romney is still alive, so…” When asked how Obama could be dead when he was currently on television giving a stump speech in Wisconsin, Higgins said the footage “must be from yesterday or something, because the president is definitely dead now.”

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