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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Romney: 'We Should Never Apologize For American Values Or Japanese Internment Camps'

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Criticizing the Obama administration’s response to the current crisis in Libya and Egypt, Mitt Romney told reporters Wednesday that we should never, under any circumstance, apologize for the values that make this country great, such as our belief in the right to practice religion without persecution, our commitment to the freedom of assembly, or the overwhelming xenophobia that led to the relocation and internment of more than 110,000 Japanese-Americans during World War II. “As Americans, we should never feel the need to question who we are or what we stand for, whether it’s our strong commitment to family or whether we’re rounding up a group of innocent people, separating them from their friends and loved ones, and putting them into what are essentially overcrowded prisons because they happen to be of Japanese descent,” Romney told the assembled press corps, adding that free speech and concentration camps are American ideals that should be cherished, not second-guessed. “So if you ask me, should we ever apologize for freedom, justice, honor, or how we perverted those beliefs to justify one of the most horrifying acts of prejudice in American history, the answer is no.” When asked by reporters what American values are exactly, or what the phrase American values even means, Romney stared at the press, blinked several times, and walked off stage.

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