adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

RomneyLabs Concocts 'Doomsday Zinger' Capable Of Swinging Any Debate, However Lopsided

RomneyLab scientists say the Doomsday Zinger is comprised of extremely potent zing material.
RomneyLab scientists say the Doomsday Zinger is comprised of extremely potent zing material.

BELMONT, MA—In preparation for tonight’s third and final presidential debate, the microbiologists, chemists, and physicists employed at RomneyLabs confirmed Monday that they had completed their work on the “Doomsday Zinger,” an extremely radioactive quip capable of shifting the momentum of any debate, regardless of who is winning.

According to an official statement released by RomneyLabs—a 19,000-square-foot research facility located in the hills of Belmont, MA and dedicated to nuclear campaign science—lab technicians have been hard at work devising the Doomsday Zinger for the past four years, and it will be “the most decisive and catastrophic zinger” ever used against President Barack Obama.

If verbal launch is successful, sources said, the one-liner could eradicate the entire Obama campaign in .03 seconds.

“During Mr. Romney’s run for the White House, our researchers have developed more than 200,000 zingers in the hopes of crafting a single one-liner capable of leveling President Obama’s reelection bid,” RomneyLabs head Dr. Marcus Fowler said from the facility’s Treatment and Enrichment Center, which consists of more than 100 centrifuges constantly spinning highly volatile zinger components, such as unstable economic numbers, fluctuating housing data, tritium, and failed immigration legislation. “We now believe we have isolated one dynamic, all-powerful zinger that is capable of both emotionally destroying Obama and inducing such an intensely positive response from presidential debate viewers that any verbal exchange can be won instantly.”

“If this zinger is anything like we expect, it could create a chain reaction of explosive mini-zingers that will have cataclysmic results for every Obama supporter from New York to California,” Fowler added. “It’s actually a pretty funny zinger, too.”

The $1.3 billion zinger project, funded by Mitt Romney himself, has brought together some of the leading minds in political philosophy, particle physics, and zing theory. Scientists said that while the vast majority of concocted zingers are cryogenically frozen for later study, roughly 13 percent are stabilized for use on the campaign trail. To date, the project has resulted in the synthesis of thousands of less successful clever remarks, quips, and jibes, such as the low-grade zinger, “As president you’re entitled to your own house, your own plane, but not your own facts.”

The Doomsday Zinger, however, is reportedly the perfect fusion of refined talking points, colloquialisms, the isotope uranium-238, folksy humor, and liquid nitrogen.

“What we’ve done is extracted the highly fissile material in President Obama’s statement on Libya; placed it in a test tube; sped up his comments to 3,000 rpm to remove any extra debris in his language, such as all the “ums” and “ahs” he tends to use; decanted the pure, liquefied remains of his words; and combined it with a highly potent zinger compound,” micro-turbine operator Dr. Alan Swenson said. “Then, in our Debate Laboratory—a tightly controlled, 69-degree, two-podium, one-moderator environment—we created the perfect conditions necessary for generating the zinger. In our most recent test, 45 out of a total 50 trials yielded results in which Obama, his campaign, and all prospects for his ever being president again were decimated.”

“Basically, what we’ve done is split the zinger,” Swenson added.

According to researchers, while the Doomsday Zinger is highly effective, it is the most unstable witty retort they have ever created. Scientists have only deployed the zinger while wearing hazmat suits, whereas Mr. Romney will have to deliver the über dig in a jacket, a tie, and no flammable protective equipment whatsoever.

Thus far, 14 RomneyLabs scientists have either died or lost multiple appendages while working on the wisecrack.

“The thing that Mr. Romney has to be careful of is that this zinger only remains stable for two-thirds of a second, so he has to get the timing exactly right,” Swenson said. “Because if he doesn’t, the zinger could blow up in his face.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close