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Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Romney's Acceptance Speech To Avoid Mentioning Personal, Professional, Religious, Political Life

TAMPA, FL—According to sources within Mitt Romney’s campaign, the presidential nominee’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention tonight will aim to solidify the support of his base and appeal to undecided voters by avoiding all mention of his personal, professional, religious, and political backgrounds. “Given what a big stage this is, we think it’s best for Mitt to stay away from potentially divisive topics that could raise any doubts or cast him in a negative light among voters, such as his family background, his church, his childhood and teen years, his term as Massachusetts governor, his income level and tax rate, his finances in general, and basically any of his views past or present on health care, abortion, gun control, immigration, environmental protection, and same-sex rights,” said chief speechwriter Lindsay Hayes, noting that Romney’s residences, where he went to college, his career at Bain Capital, where he went to graduate school, his overseas bank accounts, any political opinions he vocalized between 1994 and 2008, and his religious mission to France would also go unaddressed. “Mitt has some really great things to say about America and freedom, though, so definitely tune in for that.” Sources expect Romney’s speech to clock in at under four minutes.

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