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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Romney's Acceptance Speech To Avoid Mentioning Personal, Professional, Religious, Political Life

TAMPA, FL—According to sources within Mitt Romney’s campaign, the presidential nominee’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention tonight will aim to solidify the support of his base and appeal to undecided voters by avoiding all mention of his personal, professional, religious, and political backgrounds. “Given what a big stage this is, we think it’s best for Mitt to stay away from potentially divisive topics that could raise any doubts or cast him in a negative light among voters, such as his family background, his church, his childhood and teen years, his term as Massachusetts governor, his income level and tax rate, his finances in general, and basically any of his views past or present on health care, abortion, gun control, immigration, environmental protection, and same-sex rights,” said chief speechwriter Lindsay Hayes, noting that Romney’s residences, where he went to college, his career at Bain Capital, where he went to graduate school, his overseas bank accounts, any political opinions he vocalized between 1994 and 2008, and his religious mission to France would also go unaddressed. “Mitt has some really great things to say about America and freedom, though, so definitely tune in for that.” Sources expect Romney’s speech to clock in at under four minutes.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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