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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Ron Artest Issues Vague Threat Of 'Return To Form' In Game 3

SAN ANTONIO—Shortly after the NBA announced that Ron Artest would be suspended for Game 2 for elbowing Manu Ginobili in the head during the third quarter of the Spurs-Kings series opener, the Kings forward issued a barely concealed threat in which he promised that he would return for Game 3 "in classic form" and that "the gloves are off for this one." "Everybody better watch out, because I'm more motivated than ever to get out there and do some real damage on the court," Artest said in a statement directed either at members of the Spurs, or members of the Spurs, Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, NBA referees, members of the Kings, and the approximately 17,317 fans scheduled to be in attendance at ARCO Arena Friday night. "The only way to truly even this series is to get back to basics, play Ron Artest basketball, and use the same techniques that got me to where I am today." Asked to clarify his remarks, Artest would only say that he planned to "really outdo himself this time" and that Friday's matchup would be "a heavyweight fight to the finish, and if I can get Big Bear and Crusher to the arena, possibly even a dogfight."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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