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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Ron Artest Tells Reporters He Lives For The NBA Playoffs, Coconut Shrimp

LOS ANGELES—With his team down 3-2 to the Lakers in the Western Conference Semifinals, Rockets forward Ron Artest explained in a postgame interview Tuesday that he lives for the pressure and excitement of the NBA Playoffs as well as a plateful of sweet, crunchy coconut shrimp. "That's why I'm here. This is what it's all about," Artest said while dunking one of several jumbo-sized postgame coconut shrimp into a cup of piña colada dipping sauce. "I love the NBA. I really love it. Just as I love coconut shrimp." Basketball commentators have responded to Artest's claims by saying they are "really in the mood for coconut shrimp."

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