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Ron Harper Won’t Stop Telling People He Was On Dream Team

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Ron Harper Won’t Stop Telling People He Was On Dream Team

WAYNE, NJ—Having insisted on the falsehood for the better part of two decades, sources confirmed Thursday that retired NBA player Ron Harper won’t stop telling people that he was on the national men’s basketball “Dream Team” that brought home the gold medal for the U.S. in 1992. “Man, we’ll never again have a group of superstars like we did in ’92; I’m just proud to have been a part of it,” the journeyman shooting guard reportedly told his checkout clerk at a local Stop & Shop earlier this week, adding his oft-repeated claim that “being selected as a starter for that squad was the biggest honor of [his] life.” “That team was something else: Magic, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, and me, manning the perimeter. We were unstoppable. Granted, what we accomplished in ’96 was pretty great too, but nothing can ever come close to that summer in Barcelona.” According to sources, the former athlete was later heard regaling a toll booth operator about his legendary “flu game” during the 1997 NBA Finals, in which a severely ill Harper improbably managed to score 38 points en route to a Chicago Bulls victory.

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