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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Ron Harper Won’t Stop Telling People He Was On Dream Team

WAYNE, NJ—Having insisted on the falsehood for the better part of two decades, sources confirmed Thursday that retired NBA player Ron Harper won’t stop telling people that he was on the national men’s basketball “Dream Team” that brought home the gold medal for the U.S. in 1992. “Man, we’ll never again have a group of superstars like we did in ’92; I’m just proud to have been a part of it,” the journeyman shooting guard reportedly told his checkout clerk at a local Stop & Shop earlier this week, adding his oft-repeated claim that “being selected as a starter for that squad was the biggest honor of [his] life.” “That team was something else: Magic, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, and me, manning the perimeter. We were unstoppable. Granted, what we accomplished in ’96 was pretty great too, but nothing can ever come close to that summer in Barcelona.” According to sources, the former athlete was later heard regaling a toll booth operator about his legendary “flu game” during the 1997 NBA Finals, in which a severely ill Harper improbably managed to score 38 points en route to a Chicago Bulls victory.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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