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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to create and hang his campaign signs. "It's difficult for us to keep up with the better-funded campaigns and get our message out there when you have to dish out nine bucks or more for an eight-pack of multicolored markers," said Paul, adding that for his campaign, it was simply not financially feasible to use glitter or sparkles to make the posters more eye-catching. "We tried using ballpoint pens, but it took forever to make thick letters. Then we tried switching to typing paper, but it was just too small, and we couldn't fit 'Restore America Now' on there without having to flip over the page and put the last couple letters on the back side." Paul said he decided to suspend advertising in Florida after the black marker stopped working, reportedly because campaign chairman Jesse Benton forgot to replace the cap.

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