adBlockCheck

Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

Top Headlines

Politics

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to create and hang his campaign signs. "It's difficult for us to keep up with the better-funded campaigns and get our message out there when you have to dish out nine bucks or more for an eight-pack of multicolored markers," said Paul, adding that for his campaign, it was simply not financially feasible to use glitter or sparkles to make the posters more eye-catching. "We tried using ballpoint pens, but it took forever to make thick letters. Then we tried switching to typing paper, but it was just too small, and we couldn't fit 'Restore America Now' on there without having to flip over the page and put the last couple letters on the back side." Paul said he decided to suspend advertising in Florida after the black marker stopped working, reportedly because campaign chairman Jesse Benton forgot to replace the cap.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close