adBlockCheck

Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls

'You Are Our Supreme Leader,' Legions Of Miniature Pauls Say In Unison

Newly elected leader Ron Paul delivers his acceptance speech to a crowd of tiny versions of himself on the planet New Texas.
Newly elected leader Ron Paul delivers his acceptance speech to a crowd of tiny versions of himself on the planet New Texas.

NEW TEXAS, GALAXY OF LIBERTARIUS—In the largest political victory of his career, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) was elected Supreme Ruler of the planet of New Texas today, a remote, fiscally conservative planet populated by 1 billion tiny versions of himself.

"My people, I stand before you today to announce that I, Ron Paul of Earth, accept this position as your planet’s benevolent ruler," said Emperor-elect Paul, smiling before millions of 18-inch-high Ron Pauls, who alternately applauded, cheered, and chanted, "You are our supreme leader," at a victory rally held minutes after the Ron Paul News Network declared him the projected winner of the 2012 election. "From this day forth, the planet of New Texas shall be a veritable utopia for Ron Pauls of all sizes."

Standing below the 50-foot solid-gold Ron Paul statue that adorns the city plaza of Paulville, New Texas' capital city, Paul thanked the crowd and promised to "do right by the people of New Texas, who made the right choice at the polls today." Ten minutes of sustained applause later, Paul took a moment to raise his campaign manager, Ron Paul CCN-14139-093, to eye level and personally thank him for "knocking this one out of the park." Paul then thanked his wife, Carol, and their five children who, not being Ron Paul, will live in orbit around New Texas.

Ron Paul thanks his tiny campaign staff.

After eight more minutes of applause, Paul promised sweeping reforms throughout New Texas.

"From here, we proceed into a new era of lean government, low taxes, and personal liberty, not just for the ruling class, but for each and every hardworking, right-thinking miniature replica of myself," he announced to the high-pitched squeals of the cheering throng. “Together, we shall build a better New Texas and a better Libertarius!”

The cheers were followed by several minutes of the crowd chanting "Ron, Ron, Ron," the tossing of tiny hats into the air, and 30 minutes of meticulously choreographed spectacle in which thousands of Ron Pauls in color-coded outfits marched, danced, and formed images from the life and career of their new leader. Finally, a parade carried Paul from the city courthouse down Paul Boulevard to the Imperial Palace, the procession joined by countless legions of Ron Pauls and a teeny, tiny 200-piece brass band.

Paul will be the first individual to lead the planet of New Texas, an Earth-sized world with abundant precious metals that form the basis of its economy. The planet had previously been overseen by a council of learned Ron Paul duplicates in strict accordance with the policies of Ron Paul.

The victory caps a smooth and non-contentious election in which no other candidate was seen as a serious contender. After beginning his campaign for the throne this summer, running on the Ron Paul Party ticket, Paul quickly gained a 100 percent lead in polls against his top challenger, former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson. Political observers said Paul quickly charmed and gained the trust of the identical-to-Ron-Paul-in-every-respect-but-size demographic—considered essential to his victory—by stressing such trademarks as fiscal responsibility, support for privatized health care, and being Ron Paul.

According to pollsters, Gary Johnson's campaign was effectively over following a debate in which, after Johnson called for the creation of a planetary Federal Reserve system with broad authority, hundreds of audience members swarmed over him and beat him with tiny little sticks.

"Henceforth, none shall dare oppose the mighty Ron Paul," RPNN political analyst Ron Paul EGN-40182-177 said after the first and only debate. "All hail our unopposed leader!"

Pundits across the known universe said Ron Paul would be an excellent match for New Texas, given the planet's history as a conservative, libertarian world known for low taxes and drug legalization.

"You could hardly find a better leader for New Texas than Ron Paul," MSNBC commentator Chris Hayes said. "The broad ideological parity and complete genetic indistinguishability among the planet’s citizens makes Paul a true man of the people in every sense of the word."

Paul's non-interventionist policies may preclude any diplomatic link between New Texas and Earth's governments; however, Paul is said to remain open to building an embassy on the neighboring world of Q'adrillicus, a planet of sentient ocean reefs that support phasing out Social Security and Medicare.

Paul's coronation will occur Nov. 10. According to sources, the coronation ball's theme will be "Ron Paul."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close