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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Ron Statsky's Services

This week the troubled Democratic party entered therapy with Political Party Counselor Ron Statsky. Below is a description of the services he offers as listed in his promotional material:

Is your political party having problems? Do you feel like the spark your party once had for governing is gone? Have small frustrations with your party over making too many concessions or failing to pass certain bills turned into deep-seeded resentments? Have you ever gotten so angry with members of your party that you have contemplated creating attack ads against them? Are fundraising problems causing tensions in your House? Does your party only pass legislation once or twice a year anymore?

It does not have to be that way. In my 15 years as a political party therapist, I have helped countless political parties change for the better. You can get back that special feeling you first had when you were first elected. You can learn to love your political party again.

The itinerary of a typical party-counseling session:

  • Opening Remarks
  • Circle Share (alphabetical order by state)
  • House/Senate Human Knot
  • Listening To The Speaker
  • -Lunch-
  • When Lobbyist Money Becomes A Problem
  • Overcoming Party Infidelity
  • Staying Together For The Constituency
  • Ceremonial Re-lighting Of The Fire

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