Ronald Reagan Endorses 'Pill Lady' for president

In This Section

Vol 29 Issue 17

Unabomber Condemned by Willie Tyler, Lester

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an official ceremony held at the Justice Department Monday, ventriloquist Willie Tyler and his dummy, Lester, strongly condemned Una-bomber suspect Theodore Ka-czynski.The news media, Clinton administration officials, FBI agents and nu...

San Diego Zoo Lays Off 2,000 Animals

SAN DIEGO, CA—Citing “sagging first quarter profits” and disappointing 1995 revenue figures, the San Diego Zoo announced yesterday its decision to lay off nearly 2,000 animals, including all giraffes, vultures, elephants, snakes and a number of rare Siber...

Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws

It’s Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of “eggs” (a native food) with his “wife” (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday’s poor showing by the hometown team in “baseball” (a popular local spo...

I'm Never Taking the Bus Again

Hola amigos. What’s goin’ on at your end? It’s been a long time since I’ve rapped at ya’, but I’ve been busier than a horny dog at a leg convention.

Directions To Ed's Steak House

Tolbrook, ID—If you are coming from the city, take I-80 South to the Chesterton exit. Follow the off ramp around and turn left on Chesterton.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Ronald Reagan Endorses 'Pill Lady' for president

BEL AIR, CA—Former President Ronald Reagan, bedridden with Alzheimer’s Disease, surprised political observers Tuesday with his official endorsement in the 1996 presidential race. Making his first public statement in several months, Reagan said: “Pill lady. I need Pill Lady.” Bob Dole campaign manager Hal Greenberg reacted strongly to the endorsement. “Bob Dole has a far better chance of winning the presidency in 1996 than does this Pill Lady,” he said. Dole has not ruled out asking the Pill Lady to be his running mate.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More