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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Roof Of Mouth In Serious Condition Following Cap'n Crunch Consumption

SPRINGFIELD, MA—The roof of area resident Meredith Kjell's mouth is in serious condition Tuesday following her consumption of three bowls of Cap'n Crunch cereal. "We believe most of the roof can be salvaged," Dr. David Kim told reporters. "But grafts may be necessary to replace many of the ribbons of flesh gouged from Miss Kjell's palate by this brutally crunchy pre-sweetened breakfast food."

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