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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Rookie Cop Laying On The Jargon A Little Thick

CHICAGO—Four days after joining the Chicago Police Department, Officer Patrick Finley of the 18th Precinct is laying on the jargon a little thick, it was reported Monday. "Yesterday, he got on the radio and called for a 'black-and-white' instead of a 'squad car,'" said Ray Podriewski, Finley's partner. "Not only is 'black and white' movie jargon dating back to the 1940s, but our cars are blue and white, for God's sake. Then, as if that weren't bad enough, he calls the handcuffs 'bracelets.'" Podriewski said Finley later added insult to injury when he referred to the police as "the fuzz." "First of all," Podriewski said, "that's what criminals supposedly call the police. Second of all, even they don't really say it.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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