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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Rookie Ndamukong Suh Records Lions First-Ever Tackle

CHICAGO—Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, the Lions' first pick in this year's NFL draft, lived up to expectations Sunday by recording the first tackle in Detroit Lions history. "We knew Big Suh had potential, but to record a milestone like this in his first game… We're all just speechless," head coach Jim Schwartz told reporters at a postgame press conference, adding that the only previous Lions player to even come close to making a tackle was defensive end Alex Wojciechowicz, who in 1942 ran Chicago Cardinals quarterback Bud Schwenk out of bounds. "Of course I congratulated him afterwards, but I also warned him not to get too cocky. The lows can get pretty low around here." Team historians were quick to note that while this was the Lions' first-ever defensive tackle, former Lions running back Barry Sanders was, during his decade-long career, accidentally tackled 273 times by his own offensive line.

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