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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Rookie Running Back Can't Break Habit Of Saying 'Thank You' During Handoffs

CHICAGO—Despite Matt Forte's remarkably strong rookie year thus far, Bears coaches are concerned that their running back's progress may be hindered by his habit of carefully thanking the quarterback after each handoff. "It demonstrates his strong character and team ethic, but it really is unnecessary to say things like 'Thank you,' 'You shouldn't have,' and 'Oh, all for me? But I didn't get you anything,'" said position coach Tim Spencer, who expressed concern that screen passes might be telegraphed by Forte's insistence on shouting "Please?" when open. "We got him down to 'Thanks,' which is a start, but his impeccable manners are already starting to rub off on his teammates. [Quarterback] Kyle [Orton] is saying 'You're welcome' out of reflex, and our linemen won't stop pardoning themselves and saying 'Excuse me' as they block the defense out of the way. It's becoming a distraction." Other Bears jumping on the etiquette bandwagon include Devin Hester, who bids "Farewell" to opposing special teamers, and Rex Grossman, who has been gentlemanly about sharing his spot on the bench.

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