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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Rookie Running Back Can't Break Habit Of Saying 'Thank You' During Handoffs

CHICAGO—Despite Matt Forte's remarkably strong rookie year thus far, Bears coaches are concerned that their running back's progress may be hindered by his habit of carefully thanking the quarterback after each handoff. "It demonstrates his strong character and team ethic, but it really is unnecessary to say things like 'Thank you,' 'You shouldn't have,' and 'Oh, all for me? But I didn't get you anything,'" said position coach Tim Spencer, who expressed concern that screen passes might be telegraphed by Forte's insistence on shouting "Please?" when open. "We got him down to 'Thanks,' which is a start, but his impeccable manners are already starting to rub off on his teammates. [Quarterback] Kyle [Orton] is saying 'You're welcome' out of reflex, and our linemen won't stop pardoning themselves and saying 'Excuse me' as they block the defense out of the way. It's becoming a distraction." Other Bears jumping on the etiquette bandwagon include Devin Hester, who bids "Farewell" to opposing special teamers, and Rex Grossman, who has been gentlemanly about sharing his spot on the bench.

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