After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Rookie Trucker Always On CB To Mother

LUBBOCK, TX—Two weeks into his new job driving an 18-wheeler for the Harper Red Line, trucker Billy Ray Coogan, 23, still talks frequently with his mother on his CB radio. "Breaker 1-9, Mother Hen, this here's Red Rooster, come on," said an obviously nervous Coogan. "Are you sand-bagging, Mother Hen? 'Cause the boss man's got me hauling a dead-head to Abilene, and I'm a little nervous. I...I could really use some company, 10-4." Coogan went on to say that if his mother would just say the word, he'd do a flip-flop and put the hammer down to be back home in the short-short, in time for dinner.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.