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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Roommate All Into Cycling Now

IOWA CITY, IA—According to area resident Jonathan Radzinski, after two months of being completely into fencing, roommate Jeff Specht is suddenly all into cycling. "For the longest time it was fencing and now, like, from out of nowhere, there's all this cycling shit all over the apartment," Radzinski said. "There's two bikes in the front hallway, and he's got some kind of timer thing that he always leaves on the table. And I keep finding these little lycra racing outfits draped across the radiator." Radzinski said he is jolted awake at 4:30 a.m. five times a week by the sound of Specht's alarm clock, which wakes the temporary cycling enthusiast for his morning ride. Specht's previous all-consuming interests include kayaking, black-and-white photography and home brewing.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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