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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Roommate All Into Cycling Now

IOWA CITY, IA—According to area resident Jonathan Radzinski, after two months of being completely into fencing, roommate Jeff Specht is suddenly all into cycling. "For the longest time it was fencing and now, like, from out of nowhere, there's all this cycling shit all over the apartment," Radzinski said. "There's two bikes in the front hallway, and he's got some kind of timer thing that he always leaves on the table. And I keep finding these little lycra racing outfits draped across the radiator." Radzinski said he is jolted awake at 4:30 a.m. five times a week by the sound of Specht's alarm clock, which wakes the temporary cycling enthusiast for his morning ride. Specht's previous all-consuming interests include kayaking, black-and-white photography and home brewing.

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