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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Roommate, Girlfriend Never Seem To Have Sex

BROOKLINE, MA—By all outward indications, Derek Nesbitt and his girlfriend of eight months, Shawna Morrero, never have sex, baffled roommate Max Wirsing reported Tuesday. “It’s pretty odd, frankly, that he and Shawna rarely hang out in his bedroom, and when they do, they never turn the music up loud,” said Wirsing, pointing out that both he and his roommate have similar 9-to-5 work schedules, effectively ruling out the possibility that the couple has sex during the day. “What’s more, my room is right next to his, and I haven’t once heard them go at it while I’m trying to sleep. Bizarre.” Wirsing later determined that Morrero and Nesbit could only be having sex during an 8-to-10-minute window on Monday and Thursday evenings, when Wirsing leaves the apartment to move his car to the opposite side of the street.

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