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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Roommate Never Seems To Leave Apartment

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA–Paul Shermer noted Monday that Ed Twilley, his roommate of eight months, appears to spend every moment of his life in the apartment shared by the two Charlottesville men. "Every time I come home, there he is on the couch," Shermer said. "I know he works for the state doing something, but he never seems to be at work when I'm home." Shermer said he is beginning to get creeped out.

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