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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Roommate Protective Services Rescues Helpless 22-Year-Old From Squalid Apartment

BROOKLYN, NY—Calling the man’s living conditions “utterly deplorable,” officials from Roommate Protective Services confirmed today that they removed local Kevin Spyra this morning from a two-bedroom apartment filled with overflowing garbage bins, piles of unwashed dishes, and a refrigerator full of rotting food. “The squalid state of the apartment was extremely hazardous to the health and well-being of Kevin, and we had to get him out of there,” local RPS officer Jim McCarthy said of the at-risk 22-year-old, adding that Spyra’s negligent roommate Ben Stern, 23, had created an unsafe environment in which Kevin was constantly exposed to piles of foul-smelling dirty clothes, the stench of unwashed bath towels, Incubus blaring at 3 a.m., and scattered mugs with used tea bags crusted onto them. “We got a tip from a neighbor who said that she overheard Ben shouting at Kevin after Kevin politely asked when Ben would pay his share of the cable bill. It’s tragic when you find a helpless 22-year-old roommate living like this.” McCarthy went on to say that Spyra has been taken into protective custody, and that the most important thing now is to find him a healthy shared living situation with a roommate who isn’t a complete dick.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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