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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Roommate Protective Services Rescues Helpless 22-Year-Old From Squalid Apartment

BROOKLYN, NY—Calling the man’s living conditions “utterly deplorable,” officials from Roommate Protective Services confirmed today that they removed local Kevin Spyra this morning from a two-bedroom apartment filled with overflowing garbage bins, piles of unwashed dishes, and a refrigerator full of rotting food. “The squalid state of the apartment was extremely hazardous to the health and well-being of Kevin, and we had to get him out of there,” local RPS officer Jim McCarthy said of the at-risk 22-year-old, adding that Spyra’s negligent roommate Ben Stern, 23, had created an unsafe environment in which Kevin was constantly exposed to piles of foul-smelling dirty clothes, the stench of unwashed bath towels, Incubus blaring at 3 a.m., and scattered mugs with used tea bags crusted onto them. “We got a tip from a neighbor who said that she overheard Ben shouting at Kevin after Kevin politely asked when Ben would pay his share of the cable bill. It’s tragic when you find a helpless 22-year-old roommate living like this.” McCarthy went on to say that Spyra has been taken into protective custody, and that the most important thing now is to find him a healthy shared living situation with a roommate who isn’t a complete dick.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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