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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
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Roommate Protective Services Rescues Helpless 22-Year-Old From Squalid Apartment

BROOKLYN, NY—Calling the man’s living conditions “utterly deplorable,” officials from Roommate Protective Services confirmed today that they removed local Kevin Spyra this morning from a two-bedroom apartment filled with overflowing garbage bins, piles of unwashed dishes, and a refrigerator full of rotting food. “The squalid state of the apartment was extremely hazardous to the health and well-being of Kevin, and we had to get him out of there,” local RPS officer Jim McCarthy said of the at-risk 22-year-old, adding that Spyra’s negligent roommate Ben Stern, 23, had created an unsafe environment in which Kevin was constantly exposed to piles of foul-smelling dirty clothes, the stench of unwashed bath towels, Incubus blaring at 3 a.m., and scattered mugs with used tea bags crusted onto them. “We got a tip from a neighbor who said that she overheard Ben shouting at Kevin after Kevin politely asked when Ben would pay his share of the cable bill. It’s tragic when you find a helpless 22-year-old roommate living like this.” McCarthy went on to say that Spyra has been taken into protective custody, and that the most important thing now is to find him a healthy shared living situation with a roommate who isn’t a complete dick.

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

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