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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Roommate Won't Shut Up About His Best Sound Mixing Oscar

LANGLEY, WA—According to Brent Gryniuk, roommate Kirk has not stopped talking about his Academy Award for Achievement in Sound Mixing for the past month. "Every time someone comes over to hang out, he always has to go get the Oscar and show it to them and talk about all this stupid sound stuff, and it's like, 'Hey, we're trying to watch TV here,'" said Gryniuk, who suggested that perhaps Kirk should spend less time talking about his Oscar and more time paying Gryniuk the $60 he still owes him for the past two electricity bills. "I just got a promotion at Circuit City, but you don't see me bragging nonstop." Gryniuk said that he has tried to avoid speaking with his roommate altogether, but that it is difficult since he has to walk through Kirk's bedroom to get to his.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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