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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Roommate Won't Shut Up About His Best Sound Mixing Oscar

LANGLEY, WA—According to Brent Gryniuk, roommate Kirk has not stopped talking about his Academy Award for Achievement in Sound Mixing for the past month. "Every time someone comes over to hang out, he always has to go get the Oscar and show it to them and talk about all this stupid sound stuff, and it's like, 'Hey, we're trying to watch TV here,'" said Gryniuk, who suggested that perhaps Kirk should spend less time talking about his Oscar and more time paying Gryniuk the $60 he still owes him for the past two electricity bills. "I just got a promotion at Circuit City, but you don't see me bragging nonstop." Gryniuk said that he has tried to avoid speaking with his roommate altogether, but that it is difficult since he has to walk through Kirk's bedroom to get to his.

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