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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Roommate's Boyfriend Drinking Yet Another Can Of Soda

SANTA CRUZ, CA–According to University of California–Santa Cruz sophomore Jessica Lenzi, the new boyfriend of roommate Andrea Bloch is drinking yet another can of soda from the fridge. "Does he, like, think those are communal sodas or something? Because they're not." Lenzi said. "Just because soda doesn't cost a lot of money doesn't mean it's free." Lenzi said that if that guy takes one more soda from the fridge, she swears she's going to say something.

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