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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Roommates Still Don’t Know Each Other Well Enough To Not Speak

NEW YORK—Seemingly compelled to participate in meaningless conversations whenever encountering each other in their apartment, local roommates Dylan Lewis and Sean Porter told reporters Tuesday they still do not know each other well enough to not speak. “Every time I see Sean in the living room or kitchen or wherever, I feel like I have to ask him how things are going or how his day was,” said Lewis, who, like Porter, would reportedly much prefer to silently walk down the hall to his bedroom, shut the door, and work on his laptop. “Or sometimes we’ll talk about how the Mets did for maybe 30 seconds, just to get it out of the way. I mean, it’d feel weird not to.” At press time, the roommates had finally grown comfortable enough with each other to mutter a brief hello and avoid eye contact almost completely.

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