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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Roommates Still Don’t Know Each Other Well Enough To Not Speak

NEW YORK—Seemingly compelled to participate in meaningless conversations whenever encountering each other in their apartment, local roommates Dylan Lewis and Sean Porter told reporters Tuesday they still do not know each other well enough to not speak. “Every time I see Sean in the living room or kitchen or wherever, I feel like I have to ask him how things are going or how his day was,” said Lewis, who, like Porter, would reportedly much prefer to silently walk down the hall to his bedroom, shut the door, and work on his laptop. “Or sometimes we’ll talk about how the Mets did for maybe 30 seconds, just to get it out of the way. I mean, it’d feel weird not to.” At press time, the roommates had finally grown comfortable enough with each other to mutter a brief hello and avoid eye contact almost completely.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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