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Roommates Still Don’t Know Each Other Well Enough To Not Speak

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Roommates Still Don’t Know Each Other Well Enough To Not Speak

NEW YORK—Seemingly compelled to participate in meaningless conversations whenever encountering each other in their apartment, local roommates Dylan Lewis and Sean Porter told reporters Tuesday they still do not know each other well enough to not speak. “Every time I see Sean in the living room or kitchen or wherever, I feel like I have to ask him how things are going or how his day was,” said Lewis, who, like Porter, would reportedly much prefer to silently walk down the hall to his bedroom, shut the door, and work on his laptop. “Or sometimes we’ll talk about how the Mets did for maybe 30 seconds, just to get it out of the way. I mean, it’d feel weird not to.” At press time, the roommates had finally grown comfortable enough with each other to mutter a brief hello and avoid eye contact almost completely.

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