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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Roommates Still Don’t Know Each Other Well Enough To Not Speak

NEW YORK—Seemingly compelled to participate in meaningless conversations whenever encountering each other in their apartment, local roommates Dylan Lewis and Sean Porter told reporters Tuesday they still do not know each other well enough to not speak. “Every time I see Sean in the living room or kitchen or wherever, I feel like I have to ask him how things are going or how his day was,” said Lewis, who, like Porter, would reportedly much prefer to silently walk down the hall to his bedroom, shut the door, and work on his laptop. “Or sometimes we’ll talk about how the Mets did for maybe 30 seconds, just to get it out of the way. I mean, it’d feel weird not to.” At press time, the roommates had finally grown comfortable enough with each other to mutter a brief hello and avoid eye contact almost completely.

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