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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Rosa Parks Not Really Honored By New Bus Depot

DETROIT (Nov. 4)—The Detroit Department of Transportation announced Monday that it attempted to honor the memory of civil-rights pioneer and hometown hero Rosa Parks by naming a new downtown bus depot after her. "We believe that the Rosa Parks Transit Center is a fitting tribute to a woman who came to epitomize courage and principle," Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said at the depot’s groundbreaking. "Although, come to think of it, no one wants to have their name associated with a grimy bus depot, much less spend five minutes there." A contrite City Council is expected to propose a simple statue in the downtown area after more careful consideration.

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