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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Rosa Parks Not Really Honored By New Bus Depot

DETROIT (Nov. 4)—The Detroit Department of Transportation announced Monday that it attempted to honor the memory of civil-rights pioneer and hometown hero Rosa Parks by naming a new downtown bus depot after her. "We believe that the Rosa Parks Transit Center is a fitting tribute to a woman who came to epitomize courage and principle," Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick said at the depot’s groundbreaking. "Although, come to think of it, no one wants to have their name associated with a grimy bus depot, much less spend five minutes there." A contrite City Council is expected to propose a simple statue in the downtown area after more careful consideration.

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