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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Rotting Smell In Congress Traced To Decaying Senator Who Died Inside Wall

WASHINGTON—Maintenance crews inspecting the U.S. Capitol building this morning confirmed the foul-smelling odor emanating from the back of House chambers over the past two days was caused by the rotting carcass of a dead senator who got stuck inside the walls. “Looks like the poor guy crawled in there somehow and couldn’t get back out again,” custodian Bill Conwill told reporters while extracting the decaying legislator and placing the remains in a garbage bag. “There’d been complaints of something scurrying around in here chewing on the insulation for a couple weeks until the sounds suddenly stopped, then it really started to reek during a joint session of Congress. This kind of thing tends to happen once or twice a year when it gets really cold outside. They’re trying to make their way indoors and get warm, I guess.” At press time, House Speaker John Boehner had notified the senator’s constituents of the situation and reminded members of Congress to firmly lock all doors when exiting and avoid leaving open containers of food out that could attract hungry representatives.

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