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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Rotting Smell In Congress Traced To Decaying Senator Who Died Inside Wall

WASHINGTON—Maintenance crews inspecting the U.S. Capitol building this morning confirmed the foul-smelling odor emanating from the back of House chambers over the past two days was caused by the rotting carcass of a dead senator who got stuck inside the walls. “Looks like the poor guy crawled in there somehow and couldn’t get back out again,” custodian Bill Conwill told reporters while extracting the decaying legislator and placing the remains in a garbage bag. “There’d been complaints of something scurrying around in here chewing on the insulation for a couple weeks until the sounds suddenly stopped, then it really started to reek during a joint session of Congress. This kind of thing tends to happen once or twice a year when it gets really cold outside. They’re trying to make their way indoors and get warm, I guess.” At press time, House Speaker John Boehner had notified the senator’s constituents of the situation and reminded members of Congress to firmly lock all doors when exiting and avoid leaving open containers of food out that could attract hungry representatives.

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