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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Rove Resigns To Spend More Time In Shadows

WASHINGTON—Longtime political adviser and Republican strategist Karl Rove announced Aug. 13 that he would step down from his role as White House deputy chief of staff to spend more time in the shadows and devote his energy to the things he really cares about, such as creeping, slithering, and disappearing for all time into an ever-darkening realm shut off from hope and goodness.

Rove shares a final moment with the flicker of light.

"I've been away from the shadows too long, and it's put a strain on my relationship with those black forces I hold dear," an emotional but upbeat Rove said. "There are many personal projects I'd like to pursue all alone in an opaque void, where God Himself dares not peer, so this just seemed like the perfect opportunity to slink off into murky blackness."

Rove, who planned to return at the stroke of midnight Aug. 31 to the mysterious underworld from which he emerged two decades ago to do the bidding of masters unknown, claimed he never felt comfortable operating within the visible light spectrum. The often-controversial figure said he was looking forward to "getting away from it all" and prowling like a wolf on the wind in that ashen realm where deeds unthinkable know no name or order.

"I am excited to give this new chapter of my life the shadowy obfuscation it deserves," Rove said. "There are some matters that should just be kept private, far from the prying gaze of mortal eyes and wicked Sun."

While some Washington insiders were surprised by Rove's announcement, others close to him said they were happy he finally decided to fully enter the shroud of night.

"The one called Karl Rove hath lingered too much in daylight," said one source on the condition of anonymity. "The one called Karl Rove feels an undeniable pull toward the sly and inky veil of twilight and longs for the warm embrace of its formless depths."

Upon hearing of Rove's decision to retreat into Styxian obscurity, a number of White House aides and various officials throughout  the nation's capital hurriedly gathered their personal belongings and proceeded to the nearest exit.

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