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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Rove Resigns To Spend More Time In Shadows

WASHINGTON—Longtime political adviser and Republican strategist Karl Rove announced Aug. 13 that he would step down from his role as White House deputy chief of staff to spend more time in the shadows and devote his energy to the things he really cares about, such as creeping, slithering, and disappearing for all time into an ever-darkening realm shut off from hope and goodness.

Rove shares a final moment with the flicker of light.

"I've been away from the shadows too long, and it's put a strain on my relationship with those black forces I hold dear," an emotional but upbeat Rove said. "There are many personal projects I'd like to pursue all alone in an opaque void, where God Himself dares not peer, so this just seemed like the perfect opportunity to slink off into murky blackness."

Rove, who planned to return at the stroke of midnight Aug. 31 to the mysterious underworld from which he emerged two decades ago to do the bidding of masters unknown, claimed he never felt comfortable operating within the visible light spectrum. The often-controversial figure said he was looking forward to "getting away from it all" and prowling like a wolf on the wind in that ashen realm where deeds unthinkable know no name or order.

"I am excited to give this new chapter of my life the shadowy obfuscation it deserves," Rove said. "There are some matters that should just be kept private, far from the prying gaze of mortal eyes and wicked Sun."

While some Washington insiders were surprised by Rove's announcement, others close to him said they were happy he finally decided to fully enter the shroud of night.

"The one called Karl Rove hath lingered too much in daylight," said one source on the condition of anonymity. "The one called Karl Rove feels an undeniable pull toward the sly and inky veil of twilight and longs for the warm embrace of its formless depths."

Upon hearing of Rove's decision to retreat into Styxian obscurity, a number of White House aides and various officials throughout  the nation's capital hurriedly gathered their personal belongings and proceeded to the nearest exit.

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