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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Row Of Asterisks Spices Up Otherwise Ordinary E-Mail

HOUSTON—Seven minds were blown Monday when employees of Houston Seed and Supply opened an e-mail containing a row of asterisks, a groundbreaking textual embellishment that recipients said caught them off guard but utterly captured their imaginations. "At first it seemed like any other e-mail, but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to encounter," said sales representative Stanley Tersh, explaining how the row of asterisks had "made [his] week." "Scrolling down, it took me a second to even process it. I mean, there had to be at least twenty of them." Tersh said the asterisks, which he described as looking like multiple diamonds exploding in unison, overshadowed the content of the e-mail, which may or may not have been about there being birthday cake in the conference room.

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