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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Row Of Asterisks Spices Up Otherwise Ordinary E-Mail

HOUSTON—Seven minds were blown Monday when employees of Houston Seed and Supply opened an e-mail containing a row of asterisks, a groundbreaking textual embellishment that recipients said caught them off guard but utterly captured their imaginations. "At first it seemed like any other e-mail, but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to encounter," said sales representative Stanley Tersh, explaining how the row of asterisks had "made [his] week." "Scrolling down, it took me a second to even process it. I mean, there had to be at least twenty of them." Tersh said the asterisks, which he described as looking like multiple diamonds exploding in unison, overshadowed the content of the e-mail, which may or may not have been about there being birthday cake in the conference room.

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