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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Roy Halladay Gives Press Conference To Empty Room

TORONTO—Immediately after pitching a complete game shutout for his league-leading 10th win Sunday, Blue Jays ace Roy "Doc" Halladay retired to the Rogers Centre press room to take questions from the complete lack of reporters in attendance. "I feel pretty good right now, and I want to keep that going," said Halladay, directing his comments toward a stack of folding chairs that had not even been set out. "Doc, do you feel that your amazing start has been flying completely under the radar?" asked Halladay in a deep voice somewhat resembling that of Toronto Star columnist Richard Griffin, before responding that he expected no accolades for his 43 career complete games, 141 career wins, 1,375 career strikeouts, 2003 Cy Young award, or incredible durability. Halladay, upon asking and therefore receiving no further questions, stood up, looked around the room for a long moment, and slowly walked back to the clubhouse.

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