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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Royal Baby Already Crawling

LONDON—Mere hours after the well-publicized birth of the Prince of Cambridge, representatives for the British Royal Family announced that their newest member has already begun crawling. “Most babies don’t start moving on all fours until they’re at least seven or eight months old, but it seems His young Highness has wasted no time,” said a royal source, commenting on the precocious child’s rapid development. “At this rate, I predict he’ll be out and about and fully mobile in no time, ready to take on the world, as it were!” At press time, the royal baby was reportedly working up a very healthy appetite.

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