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Royal Baby Already Crawling

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Royal Baby Already Crawling

LONDON—Mere hours after the well-publicized birth of the Prince of Cambridge, representatives for the British Royal Family announced that their newest member has already begun crawling. “Most babies don’t start moving on all fours until they’re at least seven or eight months old, but it seems His young Highness has wasted no time,” said a royal source, commenting on the precocious child’s rapid development. “At this rate, I predict he’ll be out and about and fully mobile in no time, ready to take on the world, as it were!” At press time, the royal baby was reportedly working up a very healthy appetite.

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