Royal Baby Already Making New Friends

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Vol 49 Issue 36

Onion Sports’ NFL Week One Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL Week One games: Ravens at Broncos OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Broncos — The Broncos will win this game in a 49-27 rout o...

Nicole Walden

A memorial service will be held Friday for Nicole Walden, the world’s first “Nikki,” who passed away peacefully yesterday at 92.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Royal Baby Already Making New Friends

LONDON—Just six weeks after entering into the world, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today that the newborn heir to the British throne is already making new friends. “The prince is barely a month old, but he already has all sorts of friends following him around wherever he goes—he’s quite the social butterfly!” said a Buckingham Palace aide, noting that the young monarch’s new buddies love to crawl around with him and make funny little sounds. “There seem to be more of them every day, in fact! At this rate, he’ll soon be the most popular boy in England.” At press time, a gleeful pack of the royal baby’s friends were reportedly playing with Prince William.

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