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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Royal Baby Already Making New Friends

LONDON—Just six weeks after entering into the world, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today that the newborn heir to the British throne is already making new friends. “The prince is barely a month old, but he already has all sorts of friends following him around wherever he goes—he’s quite the social butterfly!” said a Buckingham Palace aide, noting that the young monarch’s new buddies love to crawl around with him and make funny little sounds. “There seem to be more of them every day, in fact! At this rate, he’ll soon be the most popular boy in England.” At press time, a gleeful pack of the royal baby’s friends were reportedly playing with Prince William.

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