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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Royal Baby Eats First Meal

LONDON—Sources close to Buckingham Palace are confirming that members of the Royal Family convened today to celebrate the infant prince’s first meal. “The queen herself couldn’t help but laugh and smile when His Royal Highness hungrily gobbled down his first bite,” said an anonymous source who attended the feeding, noting that while the young child ate more than anyone expected, and seemed to want even more, most of his supper ended up smeared around his face and hands. “It really was quite adorable watching him gleefully fling his food about the room. The little prince really made quite the mess.” According to sources, the royal baby was fed largely by his grandfather Charles, the Prince of Wales.

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