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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Royal Baby Eats First Meal

LONDON—Sources close to Buckingham Palace are confirming that members of the Royal Family convened today to celebrate the infant prince’s first meal. “The queen herself couldn’t help but laugh and smile when His Royal Highness hungrily gobbled down his first bite,” said an anonymous source who attended the feeding, noting that while the young child ate more than anyone expected, and seemed to want even more, most of his supper ended up smeared around his face and hands. “It really was quite adorable watching him gleefully fling his food about the room. The little prince really made quite the mess.” According to sources, the royal baby was fed largely by his grandfather Charles, the Prince of Wales.

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