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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes

LONDON—Just hours after the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a healthy baby boy, a source close to the Royal Family reported today that the newborn heir to the British throne has his father’s eyes. “I saw His young Highness earlier today, and I can tell you that he definitely has Prince William’s famous baby blues,” the anonymous source told The Sun after reportedly viewing the royal baby during a feeding at Buckingham Palace. “He also has his father’s ears and jaw, and his grandfather Prince Charles’ nose. And he has a full head of dark hair that looks just like his mother’s.” The source stated that the energetic infant prince spent much of the afternoon delightedly playing with his father’s hands.

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