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Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes

LONDON—Just hours after the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a healthy baby boy, a source close to the Royal Family reported today that the newborn heir to the British throne has his father’s eyes. “I saw His young Highness earlier today, and I can tell you that he definitely has Prince William’s famous baby blues,” the anonymous source told The Sun after reportedly viewing the royal baby during a feeding at Buckingham Palace. “He also has his father’s ears and jaw, and his grandfather Prince Charles’ nose. And he has a full head of dark hair that looks just like his mother’s.” The source stated that the energetic infant prince spent much of the afternoon delightedly playing with his father’s hands.

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