Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Royal Baby Has Father’s Eyes

LONDON—Just hours after the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a healthy baby boy, a source close to the Royal Family reported today that the newborn heir to the British throne has his father’s eyes. “I saw His young Highness earlier today, and I can tell you that he definitely has Prince William’s famous baby blues,” the anonymous source told The Sun after reportedly viewing the royal baby during a feeding at Buckingham Palace. “He also has his father’s ears and jaw, and his grandfather Prince Charles’ nose. And he has a full head of dark hair that looks just like his mother’s.” The source stated that the energetic infant prince spent much of the afternoon delightedly playing with his father’s hands.