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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Royal Baby Speaks First Words

Listen: The Royal Baby's First Words

LONDON—Mere hours after Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton gave birth, excited sources close to the family reported that the royal newborn has already uttered his very first words. “Apparently, the little bundle of joy simply couldn’t keep quiet about all the excitement and has already surprised the Royal Family with a few words of his own,” said Daily Mirror contributor Jennifer Gibb, who acquired a short recording of the infant’s words from an anonymous source within Buckingham Palace. “The eager young prince supposedly has a lot on his mind, and I think I speak for everyone when I say the whole world is waiting to hear what he has to say!” Sources added that shortly after speaking his first words, the hungry infant then cried for more food.

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