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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Royal Baby Speaks First Words

Listen: The Royal Baby's First Words

LONDON—Mere hours after Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton gave birth, excited sources close to the family reported that the royal newborn has already uttered his very first words. “Apparently, the little bundle of joy simply couldn’t keep quiet about all the excitement and has already surprised the Royal Family with a few words of his own,” said Daily Mirror contributor Jennifer Gibb, who acquired a short recording of the infant’s words from an anonymous source within Buckingham Palace. “The eager young prince supposedly has a lot on his mind, and I think I speak for everyone when I say the whole world is waiting to hear what he has to say!” Sources added that shortly after speaking his first words, the hungry infant then cried for more food.

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