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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Royal Baby Spits Up On Great-Grandmother

LONDON—Members of the Royal Family confirmed today that, following his morning feeding, the crown’s newborn heir spit up on his great-grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II. “Elizabeth took the little hiccup lovingly in stride,” said an anonymous palace aide, adding that she had a “marvelous sense of humor about the episode.” “The Queen is devoted to her great-grandson and understands that babies will be babies. She wouldn’t dream of missing these early moments with him.” The aide added that the Queen’s outfit was mildly stained.

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