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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Royal Family Releases Kate Middleton Ultrasound Image

LONDON—Excited members of the British royal family released an ultrasound image Tuesday morning showing the unborn child of the former Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, whose pregnancy was officially announced yesterday. “We are so thrilled to release this image of our future monarch, whose prophesied moment of ascension we await anxiously,” proud great-grandmother-to-be Queen Elizabeth II told reporters. “Soon it shall be with us. Soon all will be as foretold.” Representatives for the royal family claimed the child’s mother was “unable” to be interviewed, as she “needs much rest—the vessel requires strength.”

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