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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Royal Family Releases Kate Middleton Ultrasound Image

LONDON—Excited members of the British royal family released an ultrasound image Tuesday morning showing the unborn child of the former Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, whose pregnancy was officially announced yesterday. “We are so thrilled to release this image of our future monarch, whose prophesied moment of ascension we await anxiously,” proud great-grandmother-to-be Queen Elizabeth II told reporters. “Soon it shall be with us. Soon all will be as foretold.” Representatives for the royal family claimed the child’s mother was “unable” to be interviewed, as she “needs much rest—the vessel requires strength.”

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