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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Royals’ Agent Books Team For High-Profile Gig In New York City

KANSAS CITY—Calling it their chance to finally hit the big time, booking agent Freddie Holt announced this morning that he had landed the Kansas City Royals a major gig in New York City this August. “This is it, fellas: the big leagues!” said Holt, who promised that instead of the “crappy” Midwest venues they’ve been doing for months, the team would be “playing in front of thousands of screaming fans in The Big Apple.” “Everyone’s gonna be watching you. There’ll be big lights, TV cameras—maybe even a reporter for The New York Times! So, don’t blow it, or you’ll be back here in Kauffman Stadium before you know it.” Players were reportedly disappointed to learn the gig was actually in Queens and not Manhattan, but agreed that playing on the East Coast at all was “still a huge deal.”

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