Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason

In This Section

Vol 45 Issue 50

Everyone In Dream Smells Smoke

DAYTON, OH—Every single person, historical figure, and anthropomorphic talking object from Brian Jensen's dream Sunday night was suddenly struck by the unusually powerful smell of smoke, subconscious sources reported.

Mark Ingram

The Alabama halfback may become the first Crimson Tide player ever to win the Heisman. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Royals GM Didn't Know He Was Allowed To Make Moves During Offseason

KANSAS CITY, MO—During a Monday conference call with the media, Royals GM Dayton Moore confessed he had "no idea" he was permitted to make player transactions between baseball seasons. "I guess that makes sense. I was always a little surprised when teams came back the next spring with different players," said Moore, adding that he just assumed most teams made the last of their personnel decisions during Game 7 of the World Series. "I've already contacted the agents for Hideki Matsui and John Lackey to try and convince them to play here for free, and I'm working on a trade for Jason Varitek. He's got something to prove." Moore said the revelation that he would be working through the winter gave him all the more reason to look forward to his annual October vacation.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More