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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Royals Told Not To Get Uniforms Dirty

KANSAS CITY—Before taking the field last Wednesday for their game against the Minnesota Twins, Kansas City Royals manager Trey Hillman reportedly instructed his players not to get dirt, dust, grass, tobacco juice, or sweat on their uniforms, as the team can no longer afford to do laundry after each game. "Apparently it's too expensive to get the stains out of these all-white one-size-fits-all jobs, especially since we're only getting one each this year," said third baseman Alex Gordon while reciting other new team rules, which include sharing the team's three batting helmets, conserving eye black, and bringing their own bags of rosin from home. "Not that getting our uniforms dirty has really been a problem." The Royals are looking forward to their upcoming road trip where they can wear their freshly cleaned away uniforms, even though the team has to take turns driving to Seattle.

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