Rubber Band Needed

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Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

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Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...
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Rubber Band Needed

RALEIGH, NC—At approximately 2:30 p.m. EDT Wednesday in the offices of Emery & Lane Advertising at 129 Bronson Avenue, Ron Meyer, 34, announced that he was in need of a rubber band.

Meyer, a market researcher at the ad agency, reportedly informed his colleagues that he needed to keep a 22-inch-by-28-inch piece of white poster board in a rolled-up position, and stated that a rubber band would be the best clasping tool for the job.

Meyer struggles to keep the large document rolled up by hand.

"I'd use tape, but sometimes when you take it off it scuffs up the paper," Meyer said.

He followed his brief announcement with a 10-minute search for a single loop of sulfur-vulcanized rubber. Office sources confirmed that Meyer initiated the search by looking through his middle desk drawer and—after failing there—proceeded to question his coworkers as to whether or not they possessed, or had recently seen, a rubber band.

Though Meyer indicated to colleagues that he had no preference as to the rubber band's color or thickness, his standards for the rubber band's length were much more stringent. According to fellow market researcher Geoff Freedman, 32, Meyer was offered a "smaller than normal"-sized rubber band by coworker Margaret Cliere, who was evidenty unaware of the circumference and diameter of the rolled-up poster board. Meyer, Freedman said, rejected the rubber band, saying it would not be able to withstand the stretching necessary to fit around the previously mentioned tube of paper.

Meyer then conducted a sweep of the office's supply closet, starting with a small, plastic container labeled "rubber bands," before checking the binder-clasp and paper-clip compartments "just in case."

The search was unsuccessful.

The rubber band was patented in England by British businessman and inventor Stephen Perry in 1845. It is also referred to as a gum band, lackey band, or elastic band. According to production reports from the United States Rubber Company, some 2.3 billion of the commonly used fastening tools are produced each month, making Meyer's inability to locate one all the more distressing.

"I can't believe nobody has a rubber band," Meyer said.

According to office manager Jessica Terry, 28, the rubber-band shortage was likely the result of a company-wide mailing that went out on Monday, in which multiple rubber bands were employed. Following the use of her own last personal rubber bands and two from a coffee mug at reception, Terry placed an order for more rubber bands from the advertising company's main office-supply provider, Staples. The shipment is expected to arrive Friday, however—two full days after Meyer's initial request.

"There's got to be a rubber band around here somewhere," said Meyer, who was seen by several eyewitnesses keeping his poster board rolled up using only his bare hands. "I could have sworn someone at this office had one of those big balls of rubber bands, but maybe I saw that somewhere else."

This isn't the first time Meyer has needed a rubber band. In 2005, Meyer used the pliable binding device to hold together a group of same-inked pens. Also, during the second semester of his freshman year at Wake Forest University, Meyer was able to bind a pack of cards with a large rubber elastic by wrapping the band around twice to give it the necessary tautness. And records indicate that on Mar. 15, 1984, a 10-year-old Meyer learned how to tie a rubber band around his gun-shaped hand and shoot it at his younger sister, Audrey Meyer, 7.

In all three instances, Meyer claimed he was able to locate the rubber bands with ease.

Said Meyer: "I usually just find them in a drawer."

At press time, Meyer stated that he just remembered coworker Jaime Spanish, 37, sometimes wears a hair tie.