adBlockCheck

Rubber Band Needed

Top Headlines

Business

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Rubber Band Needed

RALEIGH, NC—At approximately 2:30 p.m. EDT Wednesday in the offices of Emery & Lane Advertising at 129 Bronson Avenue, Ron Meyer, 34, announced that he was in need of a rubber band.

Meyer, a market researcher at the ad agency, reportedly informed his colleagues that he needed to keep a 22-inch-by-28-inch piece of white poster board in a rolled-up position, and stated that a rubber band would be the best clasping tool for the job.

Meyer struggles to keep the large document rolled up by hand.

"I'd use tape, but sometimes when you take it off it scuffs up the paper," Meyer said.

He followed his brief announcement with a 10-minute search for a single loop of sulfur-vulcanized rubber. Office sources confirmed that Meyer initiated the search by looking through his middle desk drawer and—after failing there—proceeded to question his coworkers as to whether or not they possessed, or had recently seen, a rubber band.

Though Meyer indicated to colleagues that he had no preference as to the rubber band's color or thickness, his standards for the rubber band's length were much more stringent. According to fellow market researcher Geoff Freedman, 32, Meyer was offered a "smaller than normal"-sized rubber band by coworker Margaret Cliere, who was evidenty unaware of the circumference and diameter of the rolled-up poster board. Meyer, Freedman said, rejected the rubber band, saying it would not be able to withstand the stretching necessary to fit around the previously mentioned tube of paper.

Meyer then conducted a sweep of the office's supply closet, starting with a small, plastic container labeled "rubber bands," before checking the binder-clasp and paper-clip compartments "just in case."

The search was unsuccessful.

The rubber band was patented in England by British businessman and inventor Stephen Perry in 1845. It is also referred to as a gum band, lackey band, or elastic band. According to production reports from the United States Rubber Company, some 2.3 billion of the commonly used fastening tools are produced each month, making Meyer's inability to locate one all the more distressing.

"I can't believe nobody has a rubber band," Meyer said.

According to office manager Jessica Terry, 28, the rubber-band shortage was likely the result of a company-wide mailing that went out on Monday, in which multiple rubber bands were employed. Following the use of her own last personal rubber bands and two from a coffee mug at reception, Terry placed an order for more rubber bands from the advertising company's main office-supply provider, Staples. The shipment is expected to arrive Friday, however—two full days after Meyer's initial request.

"There's got to be a rubber band around here somewhere," said Meyer, who was seen by several eyewitnesses keeping his poster board rolled up using only his bare hands. "I could have sworn someone at this office had one of those big balls of rubber bands, but maybe I saw that somewhere else."

This isn't the first time Meyer has needed a rubber band. In 2005, Meyer used the pliable binding device to hold together a group of same-inked pens. Also, during the second semester of his freshman year at Wake Forest University, Meyer was able to bind a pack of cards with a large rubber elastic by wrapping the band around twice to give it the necessary tautness. And records indicate that on Mar. 15, 1984, a 10-year-old Meyer learned how to tie a rubber band around his gun-shaped hand and shoot it at his younger sister, Audrey Meyer, 7.

In all three instances, Meyer claimed he was able to locate the rubber bands with ease.

Said Meyer: "I usually just find them in a drawer."

At press time, Meyer stated that he just remembered coworker Jaime Spanish, 37, sometimes wears a hair tie.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close