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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Rubio Refutes Claim He Soft On Immigration By Dragging Undocumented Worker He Knocked Out Cold Onto Stage

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—In an attempt to silence party members who have criticized his record on illegal immigration as too weak, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly responded to a question about border security during Thursday night’s GOP debate by dragging the body of an undocumented worker he had knocked out cold onto the stage. “Would someone who’s unprepared to protect our nation from the influx of illegal immigrants do this?” said a sweaty, out-of-breath Rubio, heaving the limp, unconscious body of a migrant turnip picker over his debate lectern for all to see. “For anyone out there who thinks I won’t take a hard stance against those entering our country illegally, have a good look at Humberto here. Things didn’t end too well for him, did they? And I promise to crack down on all 11 million undocumented immigrants in the U.S. with just as much strength and conviction when I’m president.” At press time, Rubio was silently responding to a question about how he would create more job opportunities for out-of-work Americans by repeatedly kicking the crumpled, inert migrant in the gut with his pointed wingtips.

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