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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Rubio Refutes Claim He Soft On Immigration By Dragging Undocumented Worker He Knocked Out Cold Onto Stage

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—In an attempt to silence party members who have criticized his record on illegal immigration as too weak, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio reportedly responded to a question about border security during Thursday night’s GOP debate by dragging the body of an undocumented worker he had knocked out cold onto the stage. “Would someone who’s unprepared to protect our nation from the influx of illegal immigrants do this?” said a sweaty, out-of-breath Rubio, heaving the limp, unconscious body of a migrant turnip picker over his debate lectern for all to see. “For anyone out there who thinks I won’t take a hard stance against those entering our country illegally, have a good look at Humberto here. Things didn’t end too well for him, did they? And I promise to crack down on all 11 million undocumented immigrants in the U.S. with just as much strength and conviction when I’m president.” At press time, Rubio was silently responding to a question about how he would create more job opportunities for out-of-work Americans by repeatedly kicking the crumpled, inert migrant in the gut with his pointed wingtips.

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