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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Ruby Tuesday Waiter Warns Jill Stein Her Green Party Response To Trump Speech Disrupting Other Diners

LEXINGTON, MA—Interrupting the two-time presidential candidate in the middle of her speech, a member of the Ruby Tuesday waitstaff reportedly warned Jill Stein Tuesday evening that her official Green Party response to President Trump’s congressional address was disturbing the restaurant’s other patrons. “Excuse me, ma’am, but if you wouldn’t mind lowering your voice a bit so other guests can enjoy their meals,” server Teresa Whitman politely asked Stein, who had spent the last several minutes railing against Trump’s plan to lower the corporate tax rate by 20 percent in front of a corner booth containing four other members of the Green Party. “We appreciate your dining with us this evening, but multiple tables have complained that your shouting about excessive military spending is upsetting their children. If you can’t speak at a reasonable volume, we’ll have no choice but to ask you to leave.” At press time, a defiant Stein was arguing that she had already purchased several rounds of Ruby Relaxer cocktails and was therefore entitled to denounce Trump’s proposal to cut $54 billion from non-defense-related federal programs as loudly as she wanted.

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