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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Ruby Tuesday Waiter Warns Jill Stein Her Green Party Response To Trump Speech Disrupting Other Diners

LEXINGTON, MA—Interrupting the two-time presidential candidate in the middle of her speech, a member of the Ruby Tuesday waitstaff reportedly warned Jill Stein Tuesday evening that her official Green Party response to President Trump’s congressional address was disturbing the restaurant’s other patrons. “Excuse me, ma’am, but if you wouldn’t mind lowering your voice a bit so other guests can enjoy their meals,” server Teresa Whitman politely asked Stein, who had spent the last several minutes railing against Trump’s plan to lower the corporate tax rate by 20 percent in front of a corner booth containing four other members of the Green Party. “We appreciate your dining with us this evening, but multiple tables have complained that your shouting about excessive military spending is upsetting their children. If you can’t speak at a reasonable volume, we’ll have no choice but to ask you to leave.” At press time, a defiant Stein was arguing that she had already purchased several rounds of Ruby Relaxer cocktails and was therefore entitled to denounce Trump’s proposal to cut $54 billion from non-defense-related federal programs as loudly as she wanted.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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