adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Rude Guy Unfortunately Says Something Funny

LOWELL, MA—Coworkers having a drink Friday at the Blue Shamrock Pub reported feeling disgusted with themselves for laughing—and in some cases even cracking up—at a remark made by an obnoxious member of the group whose behavior up to that point had been worthy of scorn and dismay. "Why did that jerk have to go and say something so goddamn hilarious?" said a crestfallen Dennis Gladstone, who shook his head as he acknowledged that the comment had caused him to chuckle audibly, thereby validating the total prick. "Now that we've all laughed it up with that asshole, he'll probably want to come out drinking with us all the time." According to reporters, Gladstone then paused, giggled to himself, and said, "Fuck me!"

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close