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Rudy Giuliani Suddenly Realizes He’s Been Grinning During Entire 9/11 Ceremony

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Rudy Giuliani Suddenly Realizes He’s Been Grinning During Entire 9/11 Ceremony

NEW YORK—While standing among the somber attendees who were gathered in lower Manhattan this morning to commemorate the 12th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, sources confirmed former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani briefly panicked after suddenly realizing he had been smiling widely throughout the entire ceremony. “Oh, Jesus, has my face been like this the entire time?” Giuliani reportedly said under his breath while stifling his large grin as the names of the victims were read out loud to friends and relatives convened at the National September 11 Memorial. “I think I’ve been smiling through at least 1,000 names or so. All right, Rudy. Just look extra somber for the rest of this thing and you’ll be fine. Remember: sad. Really sad.” While a children’s choir solemnly sang the national anthem, the former mayor once again caught himself beaming from ear to ear after remembering himself being cheered at Yankee Stadium.

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