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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Rudy Giuliani Suddenly Realizes He’s Been Grinning During Entire 9/11 Ceremony

NEW YORK—While standing among the somber attendees who were gathered in lower Manhattan this morning to commemorate the 12th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, sources confirmed former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani briefly panicked after suddenly realizing he had been smiling widely throughout the entire ceremony. “Oh, Jesus, has my face been like this the entire time?” Giuliani reportedly said under his breath while stifling his large grin as the names of the victims were read out loud to friends and relatives convened at the National September 11 Memorial. “I think I’ve been smiling through at least 1,000 names or so. All right, Rudy. Just look extra somber for the rest of this thing and you’ll be fine. Remember: sad. Really sad.” While a children’s choir solemnly sang the national anthem, the former mayor once again caught himself beaming from ear to ear after remembering himself being cheered at Yankee Stadium.

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